I have a friend who loves to sail. She was talking to me about the experience of being a good sailor. Knowing the tides, how to navigate different waters, how to trim the sails just at the right time, what to do when the winds blow hard, how to avoid sinking during a storm. It all comes down to simply being able to handle the boat and navigate a wide range of conditions.
It occurred to me that sailing is a lot like being in a relationship. The key is to develop the ability to sail together, to manage the boat, to navigate the different conditions which life presents. The birth of a new infant, the task of balancing work and family, work and relationship. Juggling the demands of children, the seemingly endless list of to-do’s and organizational logistics.Sometimes this all just becomes overwhelming. The boat begins to rock, the waters become increasingly turbulent. Incredibly, we adjust. And often in our attempts to stay afloat, we lose connection with each other and the relationship suffers. This is all too common especially in a world where time for ourselves seems increasingly luxurious. Where it’s all too easy for our relationship with our partner to take the back seat as the demands of life, career, children, finances seem to take over.
The point here is not to lose our bearings, not to lose connection with each other. In a very real sense we a called on to monitor where we are at continually. It’s a bit like keeping and eye on the charts – which ocean are we sailing in now. What are the currents doing? What are the weather conditions between us?
We really do not want to allow the bad weather, the storms to cause too much damage. And how to repair when the damage and hurt has been done? One thing for sure, we don’t want the hurt and pain to continue to build up. So part of being constantly vigilant and watchful means that one needs to make every effort not to let things build up.
How? One thing for sure, if its an issue that’s bugging you, something that's pissing you off, you need to bring it up. Complaints are inevitable and of course,
things are never going to be perfect.
"You really piss me off. How many times must I tell you..."
"I get so angry. He doesn't give a *$@@# about my needs.."
"What really make me mad is the way she always..."
It turns out that what is really crucial in determining how the conversation goes is how the complaints themselves are expressed. That's right. It makes no difference whether we are annoyed or angry about our partner not replacing the empty toilet tissue roll or mailing the credit card payment or forgetting ourr anniversary. It all comes down to the way in which we open the conversation.
Are the complaints voiced angrily and harshly, full of insults and put-downs? Or do you keep the complaint bottled-up inside, with resentment building up so that it gathers more energy - all the while, the distance between us growing larger. Do I feel that the climate of our relationship supports us and makes it easy to bring up and voice our complaints and needs?
Most important is the question: are our needs being expressed effectively? Or are they getting lost in a big toxic cloud of anger and harshness?
Most important is the question: are our needs being expressed effectively? Or are they getting lost in a big toxic cloud of anger and harshness?
Without doubt and in spite of our best intentions, we as humans blow it from time to time. We don't act or behave in the way we intend. We don't behave in ways that support our values. We can talk harshly. We act disrespectfully towards our partner. We say things we later regret.
One thing for sure, when this happens a lot, when this becomes the dominant way of talking to each other, we're heading for trouble.
It’s no accident that learning the skills of making repairs to the relationship, of healing the storm’s damage is a huge part of navigating the inevitable ups and downs of couplehood. And central to this is learning ways of limiting and lessening the damage in the first place. Remember, the best navigators try to avoid the turbulent waters altogether.
Warmest Regards,
Allan Pleaner MFCT
4 comments:
It's really one thing to say that "we need to express our needs effectively" to each other. I think that a bigger problem is when we don't even talk to each other.
What if the distance is so great, we are so far apart, we haven't connected for so long ... and on top of all that, there is a suspected affair going on.
I think this is a serious issue which is not simply addressed by expressing our needs. I don't know whether there really is any hope... things have gotten quite bad. Also, we are both under enormous stress since we are faced with the possiblity of losing our house. And I'm pregnant (three months).
I think that deep down we really do care for each other and I really want things to work. But how...?
Mindfulness and Acceptance & Commitment therapy have really helped us enormously. It sounds like you are really getting overwhelmed with lots of things which can be really overwhelming - new baby coming, not trusting each other, feeling far apart and such - all very stressful and painful things in any relationship.
I think that connnecting with what you both want - that has really helped us - what do you really want for the relationship? And then you come up with the things you really Value - like caring, trust, affection, kindness - these are the values.
Then the task is not to be swept away with your stories of what a jerk your partner is or how much you hate him or her - rather to ACT in ways that support what you really want.
Yes, this means sometimes doing things like acting with kindness and caring, even though you dont feel like it.
Please check out ACT therapy for couples. Also some of Gottman's couple's stuff...
I think a lot of what couples need are skills - ways of dealing with the horrible and hurtful things we do to each other and then feel terrible about and dont know what to say and just get further apart and the rest has been said before.
We had a fight last night and it was really over nothing at all and it really screwed up our whole weekend. It's also easy to say ****it , I'm out of here but this doesnt work either.
Any thoughts from anyone out there.?
We were helped a lot and it didnt take a whole lot of time either. I dont know your situation at all. Also I'm not giving you a solution.
But I do want to suggest that you look at changing the way in which you deal with conflict and learn to fight differently. this is possible.
This is what couples counselling does. I recommend this.
Post a Comment