Complaints...where do we go?

I have a friend who loves to sail. She was talking to me about the experience of being a good sailor. Knowing the tides, how to navigate different waters, how to trim the sails just at the right time, what to do when the winds blow hard, how to avoid sinking during a storm. It all comes down to simply being able to handle the boat and navigate a wide range of conditions.

It occurred to me that sailing is a lot like being in a relationship. The key is to develop the ability to sail together, to manage the boat, to navigate the different conditions which life presents. The birth of a new infant, the task of balancing work and family, work and relationship. Juggling the demands of children, the seemingly endless list of to-do’s and organizational logistics.

Sometimes this all just becomes overwhelming. The boat begins to rock, the waters become increasingly turbulent. Incredibly, we adjust. And often in our attempts to stay afloat, we lose connection with each other and the relationship suffers. This is all too common especially in a world where time for ourselves seems increasingly luxurious. Where it’s all too easy for our relationship with our partner to take the back seat as the demands of life, career, children, finances seem to take over.

The point here is not to lose our bearings, not to lose connection with each other. In a very real sense we a called on to monitor where we are at continually. It’s a bit like keeping and eye on the charts – which ocean are we sailing in now. What are the currents doing? What are the weather conditions between us?

We really do not want to allow the bad weather, the storms to cause too much damage. And how to repair when the damage and hurt has been done? One thing for sure, we don’t want the hurt and pain to continue to build up. So part of being constantly vigilant and watchful means that one needs to make every effort not to let things build up.

How? One thing for sure, if its an issue that’s bugging you, something that's pissing you off, you need to bring it up. 

Complaints are inevitable and of course, 

things are never going to be perfect.

"You really piss me off. How many times must I tell you..."

"I get so angry. He doesn't give a *$@@# about my needs.."

"What really make me mad is the way she always..."

It turns out that what is really crucial in determining how the conversation goes is how the complaints themselves are expressed. That's right. It makes no difference whether we are annoyed or angry about our partner not replacing the empty toilet tissue roll or mailing the credit card payment or forgetting ourr anniversary. It all comes down to the way in which we open the conversation.

Are the complaints voiced angrily and harshly, full of insults and put-downs?  Or do you keep the complaint bottled-up inside, with resentment building up so that it gathers more energy - all the  while, the distance between us growing larger. Do I feel that the climate of our relationship supports us and makes it easy to bring up and voice our complaints and needs?

Most important is the question: are our needs being expressed effectively? Or are they getting lost in a big toxic cloud of anger and harshness?

Without doubt and in spite of our best intentions, we as humans blow it from time to time. We don't act or behave in the way we intend. We don't behave in ways that support our values. We can talk harshly. We act disrespectfully towards our partner. We say things we later regret.

One thing for sure, when this happens a lot, when this becomes the dominant way of talking to each other, we're heading for trouble.

It’s no accident that learning the skills of making repairs to the relationship, of healing the storm’s damage is a huge part of navigating the inevitable ups and downs of couplehood. And central to this is learning ways of limiting and lessening the damage in the first place. Remember, the best navigators try to avoid the turbulent waters altogether.

Warmest Regards,

Allan Pleaner MFCT 

www.couplestraininginstitute.com
allanpleaner@earthlink.net
#415-468-2627

Making Relationships work ( even when there isn't time...)

Lets face it folks, taking care of a marriage or couple relationship can be one of the toughest things to do in the world. But it can also be a source of enormous joy, fulfillment, fun, purpose, meaning and happiness.

Make no mistake, the harsh reality we often are faced with is that the pressures and stressors of everyday life all too often sap our energy, leaving us feeling exhausted with little to no fuel for attending to our partners. This becomes all the more difficult when there are children or work obligations demanding our attention. At the end of the day its often easier to collapse in front of the TV than to take the energy to connect with the person we once felt really close to.

I call this the "Time-starved relationship" syndrome. And its an epidemic in our fast-moving, non-stop, overstimulating world.


What happens is that the couple relationship gets shoved to the back burner – with the result that we get to catch up with each other for a few hours on the weekends, if we are fortunate enough.

This isn’t an exaggeration. Its tough to nurture a relationship when both parents are working or have full schedules, when children demand our attention and care, when the demands of day to day living seem to wash away every minute of spare time.

We used to take walks on the beach, go out to listen to music, go out for a drink together, remember? We were friends then. We laughed together, shared our experiences and adventures, we knew the details of each other’s lives. Then our first child was born. Sound familiar? The impact of a new baby on a couple is huge. It is as if the ground shakes and the world changes forever.

But all is not lost. The work is really about finding ways to reconnect - even in a time-starved world. It's about  restoring a climate of friendship. Re-establishing affection and caring and tenderness. Of opening ourselves to each other, to the relationship which we both so deeply want and value.


"Impossible" you may think, " the hurt, the betrayal, I don't think we can ever recover". Some relationships do need to end, this is true. 


I feel strongly  that many relationships can be dramatically improved, strengthened and transformed simply by using a handful of skills which are quite easy to learn and practice. This is saying a lot. Couples really can turn their relationships into the caring, affectionate, growing friendships which brought them together in the first place. 


It’s as if we need to have fertile soil for the tree to grow. Affection and caring are the soil out of which friendship grows. And taking time to learn about each other’s lives, showing our appreciation for each other, expressing our affection is the fertilizer of the soil.

There is no doubt about it, the stronger the friendship, the more we can work with conflict and differences. And the easier it becomes to repair the relationship after skirmishes or misunderstandings.

A good place to start:
* Make a point of marking the coming and goings every day with a gesture. This might be a kiss or hug hello or goodbye.

*Keep in touch during the day, checking in with each other. It takes seven seconds to say "Hey, I have to go now and I love you..talk to you later".

*Avoid coming or going without acknowledging your partner.

*Avoid extended periods without connection.

*Take time to check in with your partner each day.

*This might take only a few minutes. But be sure to give more than the weather report. If you need some “chill time” before checking in, establish this with your partner so that this is clearly understood. Otherwise this may be misinterpreted as pulling away or not responding to your partner’s attempts to connect.

In the Couple’s Toolbox Workshop www.couplestraininginstitute.com we spend quite a bit of time looking at developing skills for building friendship, trust and safety in the relationship where there isn’t a lot of spare time.

Above all, its definitely possible. Actually it’s not difficult. All it calls for to start are a few focused minutes each day, spending quality time together, using specific skills which make it possible to do the kinds of things that nourish the friendship.

To learn more, check us out at www.couplestraininginstitute.com

Take good care.

Warm regards,

Allan Pleaner MFCT
www.couplestraininginstitute.com
allanpleaner@earthlink.net
#415-468-2627But