Make no mistake, the harsh reality we often are faced with is that the pressures and stressors of everyday life all too often sap our energy, leaving us feeling exhausted with little to no fuel for attending to our partners. This becomes all the more difficult when there are children or work obligations demanding our attention. At the end of the day its often easier to collapse in front of the TV than to take the energy to connect with the person we once felt really close to.I call this the "Time-starved relationship" syndrome. And its an epidemic in our fast-moving, non-stop, overstimulating world.
What happens is that the couple relationship gets shoved to the back burner – with the result that we get to catch up with each other for a few hours on the weekends, if we are fortunate enough.
This isn’t an exaggeration. Its tough to nurture a relationship when both parents are working or have full schedules, when children demand our attention and care, when the demands of day to day living seem to wash away every minute of spare time.
We used to take walks on the beach, go out to listen to music, go out for a drink together, remember? We were friends then. We laughed together, shared our experiences and adventures, we knew the details of each other’s lives. Then our first child was born. Sound familiar? The impact of a new baby on a couple is huge. It is as if the ground shakes and the world changes forever.
But all is not lost. The work is really about finding ways to reconnect - even in a time-starved world. It's about restoring a climate of friendship. Re-establishing affection and caring and tenderness. Of opening ourselves to each other, to the relationship which we both so deeply want and value.
"Impossible" you may think, " the hurt, the betrayal, I don't think we can ever recover". Some relationships do need to end, this is true.
I feel strongly that many relationships can be dramatically improved, strengthened and transformed simply by using a handful of skills which are quite easy to learn and practice. This is saying a lot. Couples really can turn their relationships into the caring, affectionate, growing friendships which brought them together in the first place.
It’s as if we need to have fertile soil for the tree to grow. Affection and caring are the soil out of which friendship grows. And taking time to learn about each other’s lives, showing our appreciation for each other, expressing our affection is the fertilizer of the soil.
There is no doubt about it, the stronger the friendship, the more we can work with conflict and differences. And the easier it becomes to repair the relationship after skirmishes or misunderstandings.
A good place to start:
* Make a point of marking the coming and goings every day with a gesture. This might be a kiss or hug hello or goodbye.
*Keep in touch during the day, checking in with each other. It takes seven seconds to say "Hey, I have to go now and I love you..talk to you later".
*Avoid coming or going without acknowledging your partner.
*Avoid extended periods without connection.
*Take time to check in with your partner each day.
*This might take only a few minutes. But be sure to give more than the weather report. If you need some “chill time” before checking in, establish this with your partner so that this is clearly understood. Otherwise this may be misinterpreted as pulling away or not responding to your partner’s attempts to connect.
In the Couple’s Toolbox Workshop www.couplestraininginstitute.com we spend quite a bit of time looking at developing skills for building friendship, trust and safety in the relationship where there isn’t a lot of spare time.
Above all, its definitely possible. Actually it’s not difficult. All it calls for to start are a few focused minutes each day, spending quality time together, using specific skills which make it possible to do the kinds of things that nourish the friendship.
To learn more, check us out at www.couplestraininginstitute.com
Take good care.
Warm regards,
Allan Pleaner MFCT
www.couplestraininginstitute.com
allanpleaner@earthlink.net
#415-468-2627But
3 comments:
This is so important ... i wish more couples would try this before they end up in the divorce court.
I think that a lot of what happens to couples in this society is that people get really really stressed out. When we lived in Europe and South America, life seemed to move more slowly. People seemed to connect more with each other.
I never forget how wonderful the summer afternoons were, eating lunch, having time to make love during the day. How many couples out there in this culture get to take time out during the day to be together. Mostly, its impossible. People get burned out and depleted, working long hours, having to attend to young children.
And there is definitely less community support in this culture - families are isolated, disconnected from each other. It can be lonely, the isolation.
Not all cultures are like this. Somehow, the community and village that it takes to raise a child is so busy surviving itself - there is often nothing left over to support each other.
We have to and this is the challenge. To come together as a community. To be there for each other. For support with childcare. To help each other out. So we are not so isolated and cut off from each other.
I agree with you. I also think that a lot of what happens with affairs and cheating and not telling the truth doesnt just happen in one day.
It comes with distance and being disconnected and this developes over time. Not just out of the blue.
I know this from my own experience. We were lucky enough to get over the hurt and injury and broken trust and anger and resentment. Sure it took time. Also a very good and wise couples counselor.
We are now in a different place and we have to watch out that we dont drift any more. Good luck and dont give up and look for a good couples counselor
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